see the Beauty In Ugly

So here i am. Laying in bed in Santa Monica. Thinking. Thinking about everything and nothing at the same time. Wondering why things are the way they are. Why girls are so complicated and think so much and why guys dont care about more than half the things girls worry and think about. It's funny the differences between male and female. I found it funny that in this one movie i watched.. a guy asks a girl "what do women want?!" and the girls says "do you want to know our secret? we women have no idea." (i dono if that's word for word, but something along those lines) It's so true though... we form mazes in our minds expecting men to reach the end and finally give us what we want. Like that's ever gonna happen. I guess we should just say it right up front ..huh?.. but then the game wouldn't be so interesting. ;D
Man that's torture! for both men and women. Women dont get what they want and men dont understand what women want. So confusing.
OFF TOPIC.
But sometimes i wonder who or what else might be out there in the universe. Whenever i look up to the sky at night, i wonder if there really are other living organisms out there. I try to imagine a world out there like ours and wonder how far along they are. If they're thousands and millions of years ahead of us? or if they're millions of years behind us. Either way, i'm sure that if the same materials to make this earth are out there, there has to be another living planet. And then i wonder about how small we all really are. Such a small planet in such a huge world. and even smaller is our continent, the country, the state, the county, the city, and the ppl. The people and the things we do that are so small compared to the vast universe. Not to mention how small I must be. I'm like the smallest of all the ppl i know! And most of all.. i FEEL small. I'm surrounded by people who have direction or if not, they at least are sure of themselves and know that where ever they end up, they'll be fine. I'm surrounded by people with gifts and talents. They can talk smooth, think quick, dance like a piece of art, paint a million-dollar painting, know how to solve complex equations, sing beautifully, or just above all amazing. Yet i can't do anything exceptionally well. Except to be there for other and listen to them and be a good friend.
By the way, does anyone ever find that they give more than they get? It's funny.. all i think about is giving..i have to force myself to think about what i want. It just doesn't seem to come naturally. When i have money.. especially around holiday season.. all i think about is how much i can get for my friends and family with the money i have. To be honest.. if i can make everyone happy and laugh. That'll be the best present to me. There are things that i have and clothes that i wear that each mean something to me and have a part in my heart, but nothing compares to the love of friends and family.

I wonder if anyone would think of me the same way i think of them. Loving them endlessly.

Sometimes it makes me mad that i'm so submissive sometiems and so weak to trust and believe in people. I've been hurt so many times. I wish i could be as cold as some ppl. I wish i could not care so easily. I wish i didn't always have so much faith in a person and have hopeful feelings, because i always end up getting crushed. Hard.
eh now i'm getting emo again. -.- ... you know how stupid i am? very! cuz i let my feelings take hold of me. stupid me, i fell for the first time in h.s. and was heartbroken for about a year. cried many nights. then i started dating a guy. a very stupid guy. and it ended. much shorter than the first. but he was nothing and it was a stupid relationship. unfortunately he was my firstkiss. ewww. third time.. i started to fall again .. and fast. it was the perfect set up for a bad ending. and it ended. fast. it was fun while it lasted but w/e. during these times.. i went in and out of depression. not necessarily because of them, but because of their affect on me. i would be so mad at myself that i would get upset that i let myself get to who i was. the first and third one really hit hard though because when it ended with them, so did many of my friendships. i dono how it happend, but it did. i gradually lost friends. i mean we would say "hi" but we wouldnt talk or hang out anymore. i gradually lost confidence in myself. i lost hold of many things and began to lie. worst of all i lied to my parents. not big lies, but lie nonetheless. that was the worst. because the only people i could trust were my parents and i loved them so much and they trusted me for so long. though, when i found out about a secret within my family, my heart was torn...no.. ripped to peices. and every once in a while it still hurts when i think about this secret. by the middle of senior year. i was unsure about my future, lost the trust of my parents, i stopped trusting and looking up to my parents so much, and i lost many friends. i lost all that mattered. and so i thought about committing the worst and almost attempted it. i couldnt take it anymore. i had broken down. TO ME, IT WAS THE END. but something inside drew me away from death. there was a small speck of hope. and from that day on, everything has looked up. I have a better outlook on life. I made plans, and i plan to stick to them. I am determined to improve my life and try to leave the past in the past.
I also planned on not falling anytime soon, but that's not working. i need to get over it.. right? (i think i just need to learn to not get attached and care so much about a guy. am i wrong? i honestly dont know. but i dont want to hurt again!) i wish someone would honestly tell me i'm "wrong" to both those questions. doubt it though.
Anyways, what matters is that things are better and i'm happy for the first time in a very long time and for the longest time. =]

~*live.laugh.love.*~