oh, and another thing

what seems to be bothering me the most is what i've been dreading ever since i came to college.... conflicts btwn friends. what everyone here is good at is assuming the wrong thing. just cuz some ppl tend to do something often... doesn't mean they do it all the time. more and more lil cliques are forming between our friends. we use to be one big group where we all would communicate with each other and not leave each other out. now there's a group of girls who just does w/e w/o inviting or caring to talk to the other girls. sure they might not know it, but it's so obvious to the rest of us. and then there's the fact that if someone says one word, one phrase someone else takes it the wrong way and gets offended. it's like i always have to be on my guard about every single person here now. it feels like i have to relearn who everyone is. everyone changed. for the worse. i'm scared to tell anyone anything now. what scares me even more is that i opened up to them soo much already. everyone becomes more and more unpredictable and more moody. (that is except for the guys) i'm getting use to getting left out from the people i know ....again. it's like high school all over. i can't even talk to my own roommate anymore. she's so different than last semester. it makes me sad. every single person i met here has changed. i don't know ANYONE anymore. i'm so sad and confused.

loss

dont you just hate it when you lose your keys? or lose the other side of your sock?
.. more so.. dont you hate losing people you love?
it sux. a broken heart sux. that's pretty much how i feel these days. i feel like my fuckn heart got broken.. again. as stupid/emo/cliche as it sounds, it's true.
i have no one to talk to anymore because i lost my best friend. at least i think i did. i mean if we were best friends, something this stupid wouldnt ruin our friendship.. would it? but it still sux because i need a friend who will listen and care now more than ever.
also. i wish i had someone that could just hold me and make me feel happy. i mean hugs are nice from friends and all... but i'd like to be held by someone that makes me feel like everything is fine, like he really cares about me. i know i deny that i want someone to love me, especially now, but i really do. and i seem to want it now more than ever. at the same time, i'm equally scared to love anyone. ever.
i use to feel like something was REALLY missing from my life. then in high school i found it, it was reality. it was like i was living in a daze before high school. life was so easy, all i worried about was kicking someone's ass in handball. but in high school, stress kicked in. emotions i've never felt overwhelmed me. my brain practically exploded. what i was missing was the excitement of life, the ups and the downs. now i feel like something is missing again. but i have no clue what it is. it can't be love. maybe it's motivation. i get it every once in a while, but i lose it right away. how do i keep it?

u know... i just can't wait till Montreal! i'm so tired of thinking about my feelings. i just want to let loose ...well not THAT loose.

~*Live. Laugh. Love*~

S.H.I.T.

first off, one GOOD thing is that i finally got over my cold =].. at least i'm pretty sure i did =]

but lets list all the things that have been hurting my head:
1. the fight i had with my best friend. our first legit fight. i got so upset... which made her upset. i'm sorry for overreacting, but i just wish she'd understand me. she always understood me. ever since she got her boyfriend i've been gradually losing my best friend. i've always told her EVERYTHING and she's the only one i can totally be myself with. and if i said i was sorry, she would be like "yea you better be." she's not the kind to sympathize for someone except herself.
i guess i've never really had a best friend. (it makes me fuckn cry... CRY!! i cant believe it! this ridiculousness is making me cry myself to sleep!)
i'm beginning to doubt who my real friends are again. this feeling is so familiar and i thought it went away when i came to college. the feeling of being all alone. again.
2. housing. i'm leaning more towards central. housing isn't too much of an issue as it was a day ago, but i'm still stressin about it. sophie doesnt want to be my roommate anymore. but we both agreed we dont want to room together because we want to branch out and meet new ppl. i'm gonna miss her! she's such a great roommate.
3. exams. of course those are stressful.
4. lack of sleep.
5. planning for montreal! .. it's more exciting than stressful, but nonetheless, it's on my mind.
6. i feel REALLY bad that i got my mom sick!!!! i feel so bad.. she sounds like a smoker =[
7. this stupid part-time job thing i impulsively agreed to participate in. FML!
8. needing money. always worried about that.
9. trying to figure out the paramore/no doubt concert when i get back home. should i go to the SD one in may? or sell those and buy tix for the LA one in july? who should i take? everyone is rejecting me cuz the SD one is memorial day weekend.
10. i'm so tired of worrying about others! but i cant help it! i have to force myself to not care! and then when i try too hard i feel bad cuz i feel like a bitch. ...i hate being a girl!(when it comes to emotions)

what should i do?! (about anything)


~*Live.Laugh.Love.*~

R.I.P.

Rest in peace Grandpa Roy.
You're in a much better place now wherever that may be. I'm glad you don't have to suffer your sicknesses anymore. No more nightmares. No more falling. No more bruising. No more heavy breathes. No more grandma's nagging. No more incompetent people "taking care" of you. I Love You Grandpa. =]
I wish I could have been there to say goodbye. But I'm glad our last parting was a good one. =] I Love You Grandpa.
You're the first closest person to have passed away. I'm very fortunate that you have had such a long fulfilling life. Thank you so much for taking me home and to gymnastics before I was old enough to drive. Thanks for always being there. =] You have always been so supportive in every way even though you never said much. I Love You Grandpa.
You have always shared so much with us. Sometimes your insight. Your amazing stories about the war and your life before I knew you. You would share your love with everyone and never judge. You would always be the one who would never get mad and was always so cheerful. I Love You Grandpa.
You put a smile on everyone's face and you're just overall the best grandpa. =] I Love You and you will always be remembered! You will always be in my heart and everyone who you touched with your warm smile. I will miss you very much.

=[

Dad isn't coming to Massachusetts! 3rd cancellation! =[
Reason: the reason is a good reason. My grandpa (my dad's dad) just got transferred to the hospital because he fell.. again =[. The doctors said he had a heart attack and was low on something. So he's going to stay in the hospital for a while. My dad asked his boss to leave early that day to go see Grandpa and his boss said that he shouldn't go to the trip to Massachusetts because he needs to be at home with his family. Good boss. =] Even though I would have LOVED to introduce my dad to all my friends, I'm glad his boss made him stay home because otherwise my dad would have gone on the business trip instead of staying with his family.

On a lighter note. Me and Sophie are reading FML and thinking of embarrassing stories we could put on the website instead of going to sleep. hahaha. Love this.

~*Live.Laugh.Love.*~

Why won't you talk to me!? How am I any different from any other friends? Is it so hard to say anything? Why is it so hard to talk to you?! I talk to people I hardly know more than you. Oh, right you probably don't even care. I keep forgetting.

WTF?!

I keep feeling pissed off lately! I don't understand. It could be just temporary, but I hate these mood swings! And, no, I'm not PMSing. This has been going on for the past few weeks. Like sometimes I'm really happy and I'm cool about everything, and then someone says something or does something that just throws me over the edge. I'm not usually like that. It's probably the pill, but I sure hope it goes away soon. I feel bad because I'm afraid it's rubbing off the wrong way on people. =[
My head is all over the place. I wish there was just someone, just one person, a friend that I could look to to make me feel happy all the time, anytime. Someone who just knows what to say at the right time and who could assure me that I'm not going crazy. Someone who will actually listen and care. I'm always that person for others and I don't mind much, but it would be nice to have one friend to just be that person for me. I wish I could just empty out my head, leave it somewhere, and not have to worry about it ever again.
Man, I really have to stop complaining. I hate it. Although, that's what this blog is for and it's not like anyone is going to read it or care so I guess it doesn't matter. ::shrug::
Ok. Now I'm going to put on my "happy-go-lucky" attitude and try to hide my feelings from everyone again. =D ( =\ )


~*Live.Laugh.Love.*~

New blog post

So there's really not much I want to say. What can I say? I'm sure if I had a life like Jason Mraz, I'd be able to talk about what a wonderful place this world is, well it is wonderful, but I haven't seen as much as he has. What a lucky guy. My life here is pretty dull compared to his I'm sure. But I love my life right now. Again, I'm glad I'm still here. =] There's no where else in the world I'd rather be at this time in my life.

So next week my dad is coming to Massachusetts! YAY! Gonna do some work in Boston area (possibly Woburn) Then on Friday he'll visit me and leave on Saturday. Hopefully I'll be able to hang out on Saturday night w/ the usual suspects ;D It'll be so great to see my daddy! ^^ and maybe, probably, he'll treat me to a dinner and I'll treat him to breakfast at UMass. Dono what we'll do because he already know what Amherst is like, maybe we can go into Boston. =] I'm so excited to see him and introduce him to everyone! =D

Soooo I'm still on the fence about Spring Break, which is in like 2 weeks?!!! So far I'm thinking about going to NY City. I have no idea how I'd get there, but hopefully I can find a ride or find a cheap way of transportation. Any suggestions?! Then on the 19th I'll probably leave (somehow) and go to Boston and visit with SarahP! =] OHHH and hopefully while I'm in Boston area, I can visit with more people from that area and see my cousin, Aria, and her Italian boyfriend and his brother! =D I would LOVE to see them!

So back at home, things aren't too great. My grandpa on my dad's side is getting worse =[ my grandma can't stop being stubborn, her daughter (my aunt) won't do shit to help out with grandpa, so my mom is stuck picking up the slack on her in-laws' side of the family while juggling a full-time job, not to mention her dad is going into knee surgery next week while my dad is on his business trip/here in MA. I feel so bad for her =[ ...wish I was there to help her out. =[ Oh, but on the good side of news, my dad's brother's step-daughter (my cousin) had her 3RD baby... a girl this time! =D can't wait to meet her! From the pictures, she looks so beautiful =] ... So I feel like I've come to that stage in everyone's life where birth and death are at a crossroads and there's great happiness and great sadness in my family.

And to end this post... I pray (if I prayed) that everyone live, laugh, and love because life is too short to miss out on anything. Hope everyone is healthy and doing well ... but if not healthy.. get healthy !!! =D (too many ppl are sick =[ i feel bad)